This day last year I wrote a blog post opening up about something that I had kept hidden for a long time. In that year, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on everything and learn more about myself in the process- because two years ago today, my mom walked out on us.
The holidays are hard. They always have been, but ever since she left, I've grown to hate them even more. It just seems like anniversary after anniversary. I wanted to write this to update you on my life and also on what I’ve learned (and you guys have taught me a lot, too).
This isn’t where I thought I’d be. I thought after a year it would hurt less and that I would just forget everything that had happened. But here I am, two years later, realizing that trauma doesn’t just go away. You can’t hide it, you have to deal with it, and that’s something that took me a long time to realize.
A year ago I would still blame myself for the choices that my mother made, I would constantly try to think of what I could have done to stop her or make her stay. I let her manipulate me in many forms. I think that when you’re dealing with an alcoholic parent, or any strained relationship with a parent, as the kid you try to be the fixer. You will do anything you can to try and help them because you love them. You make excuses for them, time and time again, just to be let down. Growing up you realize that many of the things you learned as a kid aren’t true, but I don’t think anything could ever prepare you to realize that what you went through wasn’t ‘normal’, or okay. (Does that make sense?) When we’re young we become accustomed to toxic actions and behaviors because that’s all we know. And as you get older, those things get challenged, and you’re left conflicted because you got so used to the trauma, pain, etc,. That became my normal. I thought the shitty things she did were normal, and if they didn’t feel right, I was too scared to speak up.I felt the need to always heal my mom, and at times I still do. But my doctors and family had to literally sit me down and tell me I need to heal myself.
That’s what I’ve been trying to do this last year. After being diagnosed with PTSD, I finally came to the conclusion that being a Fixer is not my job- it’s no child’s job. Learning to put yourself first instead of running to someone you love after a life-time of doing so is fucking hard, but I’m learning and trying. I started a new treatment and I’m hopeful that it will assist me in handling my trauma and anxiety. I’m learning to accept that I’m not going to feel better over night, and that it’s going to be a long process with many ups and downs. I’m trying to take a step back and not put pressure or a deadline on myself to ‘get better’. Baby steps. Small steps are still steps.
This time of the year is really hard, and this next week is going to be very difficult. I know it’s really dumb to announce that I’m going to be absent from social media, but I’ve always been very active and honest with you guys so I wanted to keep you in the loop. I just need a little breather to handle this next week and a half(ish).
Again, I’m so, SO sorry for the lack of new music. This weekend will be a year since I released Grieving and I haven’t done SHIT since. I have many new songs I want to record, but I haven’t been in the right headspace/mental state to give the songs the attention they deserve. I want to be proud of them when I release them. Thank you for your patience and for supporting me always. I’m so fucking lucky and grateful to have people that care about me and my stories, I hope you know I care about you guys just as much. I’ll see you soon, we all know I’ll be back on my bullshit in no time. Just wanted to pop in and vent/rant/tell you where I’m at.
I love you guys with my whole heart,